To say that being a stay-at-home mom made me unhappy at first is an understatement. I am happy to be where my family needs me, but to stay-at-home was never in my life-goals plan. It sounds strange to say about essentially just staying in my house and taking care of my kid, but it’s like being a fish out of water. I’ve always been driven to a vision and career. Some would welcome a break from working, but for me it’s taken me a while to learn how to function. It’s been challenging to say the least.
But in the last couple of weeks God’s been working on my attitude….Here is what I have discovered:
1) I can support the people around you better. When you are not focused on what’s in front of you, you can look around and see what’s around you. For months I just felt lost. But something I realized is that this is an opportunity to learn how to better listen and support the people around me. I’ve always had the intent, but living on a crazy schedule, people fell through the cracks. I was never there for those I loved in the way I always wanted. This has always been one of my constant regrets through the years. Now, with less to focus on, with less to distract me, I can be the support for people that I should/want to be.
2) I can get life’s clutter out of the way. I have always had a couple “extra” projects going on since I was in high school, doing “just” school or “just” work was never enough. Now, I am “just” home, helping with my husband’s ministry, and doing this whole cooking/food thing. This is way less on my plate than my usual (yet, the laundry still can’t seem to get done, but that’s another post). What I am loving is that I am finally doing the 3-million projects that have gone undone for years, and years. You know the type of projects: organizing closets, filing, mending, sorting out life legal matters, etc. All that has been left undone through the years has just added constant stress and clutter to my family’s already busy schedule. Now I can finally plow through it, and when I do get God’s next direction for me, I can pursue it with a little less weight on me.
3) I can find who I am at the bare basics. I’ve always defined myself by my job or the career I was trying to achieve, and now with that stripped away…I have discovered that I don’t really know myself. Now I have to find a hobby, be a friend, find what I really need and really don’t, be a mom, etc…without the definition given to me by what I want to be or what I am striving for. It’s hard to discover the person God made, when you are trying to move forward and fit into a particular box or in this case, job. Now I can discover a little more of what God made of me, without being so distracted.
4) I find amazing freedom and hope in it. For the first time ever I am not running towards a direction. By not being tied to a job or dream, there is something… hopeful. The possibilities are unlimited. God has a plan for your life, discovering that plan is life’s great adventure. (It’s one of life’s biggest frustrations too, but hey, I am trying to look on the bright side here.) I don’t know where God will take me next and that excites me. Will I go back to PR? Will I be full-time ministry (even more than a pastor’s wife already is)? Will I get more into cooking? Will there be something out of left field that God has planned for me that will turn out to be a perfect next step? I have no idea. Some days that is hard, others it’s incredibly liberating and exciting. I am living in the present more than ever. I have no idea where I will be 4 or 5 years from now, and I have no idea where I want to be. Once I block out the fear behind it, it’s just a wonderful feeling for some reason.