Watch me go crazy

Jen's sanity

This whole “living like a firefighter” thing is messing with my already fragile little brain.

I am on-call to take Asher to the hospital at any given time. Any random fever, symptom or when a blood test comes back funky.  The wind blows wrong…and we are in the hospital. We have spent 30% of the last 2 months…or 18 days in the hospital.

But it’s driving me nuts. Tomorrow we have a doctors appointment, so what did I do today? Cleaned my entire house, did all of our laundry, packed an overnight bag, and made a lunch to take with me. All over a 9:30am half hour doctors appointment. Just in case.

Now, after the second hospitalization where we went in for 2 days and stayed for 9, I live in paranoia town now.

After the last two times we took him to a public outing he has ended up in the hospital within a day or two. The outings did not cause the hospitalizations, yet now the thought of taking him into public gives me an anxiety attack complete with minor hyperventilating.

I am going insane.

IN-SANE.

BUT there is more.

There is another thing that makes the my brain currently a screwy place to be… I am actually missing the hospital!

I have become friends with a couple of the nurses (there are some super cool people there).  I like not doing laundry. It’s easier to clean a tiny hospital room every day instead of an entire house. Someone else gives Asher’s his shots and medical care.  I have my routine down and figured out.

There is a bit of relief, because I don’t have to be scared that something bad is going to happen medically when I am home with him, and I have to figure it out. So many little, seemly normal things, could be a symptom of something much worse. I am not medical professional, how I am I suppose to do this?

I hate what my son has to go through, hate it…but I ashamed to admit it, there is a part of me that doesn’t hate staying there.  A little part. Maybe slightly bigger than little.

The day after we got home from the last time we were there, I found myself kind of sad, and it took me a while to figure out why. Part of me missed it. There is different stresses while being home that I don’t necessarily have there. I was surprised by the feeling, to say the least, but it was still there.

So I live in this psychotic fear of going to hospital at any given moment (last time I got the “come to the hospital” call my right eye twitched for 45 minutes), and kind of miss it at the same time.

Aaaaand  I give up. Next stop for Jen is crazy town.

I hope they have chocolate.

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2 thoughts on “Watch me go crazy

  1. I don’t think you need to be AT ALL ashamed that you’re enjoying the peace of mind that living in the hospital gives you! Whether you’re in or out of the hospital doesn’t change the fact that your baby has cancer right now, so you don’t have to feel guilty. I’m sure you’ll love being back home once Asher is 100% healthy, even if you have to do your own laundry. At least you won’t have to worry about infections and stuff. You are handling this stressful situation really well, all things considered.

  2. This sounds like my routine now. I’m a stay-at-home dad, and my wife has been taking frequent business trips the past 3 years. It’s gotten so I don’t miss her as much or as intensely as I used to, it’s that first few days when she’s back… she’s IN MY WAY. Routine is broken again.

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