I’m having a cancer is dumb day.

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I woke up in a weird mood this morning. It’s probably because I am right on track to be in full PMSing mode (sorry, hubby). Or maybe it’s because I was up with one kid or another at 1:30, 3:30, 4:30 (listening to a baby boy talk to himself -loudly- for over an hour), and finally fully out of bed at 6:00am this morning.

Ahhh, welcome to mommyhood! The land where you get exercise by getting in and out of bed 30 times a night.

This morning I just feel sad…

Some days are like that though. With my son’s cancer (or really whatever you are battling) some day’s it’s harder to see past the what-if’s or just the heart break of your child hurting.

Yesterday the doc said he will probably have to get another blood transfusion before his next round of chemo. No real surprise there. Most days the idea of the baby probably getting another blood transfusion isn’t a big deal. He needs it? Doesn’t cause him pain? Cool. Get it done.

Then there are days like today. Where it just makes me sad. It’s not even for sure happening yet. But yet, it’s hitting me weirdly hard.

Some days it just takes all my energy to be positive. But I will be. I have to. The alternative is not acceptable. Once you give into the “poor me”, it’s incredibly hard to dig your way out. Been there. Done that. Not going back.

As a good friend, a mommy super hero dealing with her child’s medical issues day in and day out, reminded me: just one day at a time.

Just focus on getting through breakfast… then surviving until lunch… Just one foot in front of another.

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For me, it’s focusing on fighting the negative thoughts, just one thought at a time. Some day’s nothing gets done, because I am consumed by this. All I do is fight the negativity that wants to ruin my day  life.

But like the Kung Fu Panda show on Netflix says, “it’s a fight worth fighting”.

Go, fight, win and all that.

Ugh, but I am so tired. I just want to curl up in a ball on the couch and let the preschooler play on the Kindle all day (hey, there are some educational apps on there…).

When I am feeling like this, I call it a “cancer is dumb” day. Not the being physically tired part, that’s just called “my life”. But the emotional depression, sadness, and cancer angst feelings taking over type day.

I’ve learned my limits this summer. Instead of the typical focus on productivity, some days I just need a try to enjoy life and battle the dark feelings type day.

You don’t really get a day off in this whole mom job. It doesn’t even have like 9-5 type hours. Especially when that job description becomes makeshift nurse/mom. But sometimes you need to purposefully try to enjoy my kids, do the bare minimum obligations, and battle the negativity seeping into my head one thought at a time.

Because cancer is dumb.

Also, that way when my daughter screams her head off because the wrong episode of the awful Angelina Ballerina tv show is on, I don’t completely loose my mind and end up locking myself in a closet until my husband comes home.

Ugh.

I hate cancer. I hate chemo. I just want my baby to be able to be a baby. Not be fighting this horrible, horrible, thing.

But man, he is cute doing it.

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Anyways, here I go…

Deep breath.

Focus on the cute.

Get off of WordPress.

Get back to the real world.

Drink more coffee.

Think positive.

Ready, set, go!

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