My obligatory post about New Years

It may be the antidepressants talking, but I'm feeling somewhat optimistic about 2014

2014.  Hmm… Well, I don’t know how I feel about that.

I don’t have any resolutions. No big plans. No real hopes for it or ambition. I’m not like dreading it either.

Just… meh

2013 kind of murdered my goal setting ways. At the beginning I thought I knew what was coming. I was was pregnant with kid #2, and had just  quit my job to become what I never thought I would be- a stay at home mom. Once I got beyond my homemaker identity crisis, it seemed like smooth sailing. Then I ended up on bed rest for the last month and a half of my pregnancy because my body decided to have labor contractions 4-12 hours a day. Then I had a beautiful baby boy with a pretty decent labor experience, and had like a month of newborn joy. Yay! Newborns. Yay! Feeling better. Yay! Smooth sailing try number 2!

Then in May, my son was diagnosed with cancer.

Then….

  • We spent 30+ days in the hospital.
  • I was diagnosed with heart defect.
  • I became depressed, started having panic attacks.
  • Son had two infections, needed six blood transfusions, four lazer eye surgeries, and four surgeries for his port.
  • My daughter’s insomnia kept up in full force.
  • I went to ER.
  • My husband discovered he had dysthymic depression.
  • Our car window was broken and someone burned out on our lawn.
  • Moth’s invaded our home for months.
  • My father-in-law passed away.
  • Oh and other family drama and medical issues I care not discuss publicly.

It wasn’t my best year. Not really my worst either… But hardest, for sure.

In it though there has been a lot to be thankful for. A lot of unexpected good came out of the unexpected bad.

Lots and lots of it.

I could list it… But I’m in more of a cynical mood this morning than a “Yay world! be a positive beacon of light!

I definitely still acknowledge the overwhelming good though. There is so much it even makes complaining about life hard, because a blessing always seems to pop up in the conversation and get in the way of my negativity.

I have so many feelings

But all this unexpectedness has made me wary of setting goals. My family needs to heal and recover before we start any new directions.But we don’t even know if the cancer fight is even over yet.

Our 2014 may just be an extension of this years struggle. It may be a year of healing and recovery. It may be a year of all new challenges.

Chris Helmsworth saying I have no idea what's going on and smiling

(Okay, I just threw this gif in because he is really nice to look at. I love me some Thor.)

So I am just remaining open. It would be good to lose a little weight, get the garage finally clean, and maybe get a weekend away with the husband. I know, high hopes right?

The funny thing is me being open to whatever may come is kind of earth shattering growth for me. I have not been the most flexible person in the past. “Obsessive” and “narcotic” has been used to describe my previous need to plan..There was a plan A- F just to go to the grocery store, let alone for life, career and my kids. Now, I don’t even want to think about long-term planning. Eck.

Yes, I said eck.

One week at a time. That will be my 2014.

That’s actually kind of nice- one week at a time. It sounds bitter, but I really mean it as a good thing.

I just need to take a super spiritual scrub shower and wipe off the yuck 2013 means, make memories from the good, and take 2014 as it comes. Maybe that’s what 2014 will be for me,  living in the present.

Radical.

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