Lately, I’m doing good, doing good, tensing up, staying strong, fighting through, going to be okay, and then something small happens and I am a teary mess.
One time it was because I figured out that I was allergic to pecans, another it was because I managed to burn and under cook spaghetti at the same time, and last night it was because I spilled something on my shirt for the second time in 10 minutes.
The day was fine, I think.
The little lady was having a sad day. I got stuff done (love me some productivity), spent a couple hours on the phone (= guaranteed headache), managed to start a fire in the kitchen (made it a good lesson on what smoke looks like and when the little lady should get an adult), and we all survived. We’ve had much worse, on better days.
What got to me is I just felt like a crappy parent, a crappy wife, a crappy sister, and all of that off and on through out the day. I was done by 5pm. I was frustrated with the kids, they were frustrated with me (and actually had a right to be), and just feeling all around discouraged. Even baby boy who smiles through chemo, wasn’t smiling very much. It was weird.
Part of the problem is I’ve just been distracted. I can’t for the life of me be present for my family the last couple of days. Too much to do. Too much on my mind. Too much I rather do. I just need a chill pill. Yesterday, it was obvious my daughter was done with my distracted ways too.
Nothing gives you a reality check like your kids. They slap you with humble pie on a regular basis.. wait that didn’t quite work the way I wanted. But you get the point.
Last night I decided I was just caddywompus. I don’t particularly know what that means, but during my melt down a commercial kept playing over and over that kept using the word. It seemed appropriate.
I was caddywompus.
My husband, the sweetest man ever, did his best to snap me out of it. Including laughing at me when I started crying about dropping something else on my shirt. To be fair, I was laughing (as I cried) too. Then he lit candles, brought me chocolate, gave me back rubs, and refused to answer my questions of “why do i suuuuuuuck??”
Then I slept… for a while at least.
I’m doing better today. I feel a bit more relaxed, and plan on simplifying my day A LOT so I can continue to not just fail at everything again today.
So, how are you?